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Layed in Bed Worrying. It's raining, it's pouring, the old man is snoring... I'm sitting here bawling my ass off because I have no money and my life at this moment sucks. I had $60. It's true. I bought 3 CDs, so I had maybe $13 left...maybe more in change alone...Borrowed my brother 8 for a video game, then 5 for gas, so I had no money. He just got money from my dad and won't pay ME back so I can go to the mall....WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SO GOD DAMNED NICE?! That's it, I'm going to have to start putting my money somewhere that it would be a hassle for me to get it for him to borrow. Like hide it in my car. But like...IN something...I don't know. It pisses me off. I can't go to the mall without spending money!! Also, I'm upset because my mom won't stop making nasty comments about homosexuals. I think I might just look at her and go, "You just offended me, because I am bisexual. So there." and be done with it. But then I don't know if she'll freak out and "abort" me, or what. Who knows? Maybe she'll get all wierd and shit around me. Why the hell should I have to worry about this? When they say that they love me and will support me and be there for me no matter what, they should mean it! So I shouldn't need to be afraid to tell them that I'm bisexual...I shouldn't have to worry about what they'll say! We were sitting in the tent last night and I was reading and two guys walked past. I couldn't tell you if they were gay or not, because to be honest, I see everyone equally, and I don't stereotype people by a walk or whatever, although I have to admit that with a few people I've seen, you just KNOW. But anyway, my mom and I heard them, and my mom made this little gesture. I was like, "What the hell does that mean?" "Fags." She just said it like it was a word that is correct to use. I wanted to kick her. I could have. I know people use and and will use it, but just the way she SAID it. Like, if you had heard her.. I find hardly anything funny today. I am in such a pissy mood. Half of it is because when I confronted my brother about the seatbelt, he called me a bitch. Maybe some of it was waking up in a tent in the middle of a huge thunderstorm and having to run 4 "blocks" to get to a bathroom. Maybe part of it was sleeping in the open with the rest of my family. Maybe some of it is because there are NO interesting people there..It's all old people and little kids and dogs. That's it. And the DOGS aren't even worth going up to. There's an arcade, sure, but there are a bunch of kids in it. I think I might just go blow all my money on candy. I found POP ROCKS there! I haven't had those in a long time! And there's Snake Venom, candy lipsticks, candy cigarettes, rock candy...Everything I haven't had in so long. I should just go buy one of each with my measly 10 dollars. Fuck it. And then I'll convince my parents I need something from the mall too. Even if it ends up being mudflaps for my truck. I even had to put the new tent up..my dad sort of sat there and criticized me..."Don't hit the truck with the five foot pole! You have a whole THREE feet there, that should be enough!" "No, that should go into THAT spot, and that hooks there..." I wanted to kill him. At one point I threw the half-assembled tent on the ground and went "FiNE! YOU PUT IT TOGETHER THEN!" and walked away. I came back and he was all apologetic and asking for me to help. So ha. Sorry for complaining, but laying there last night listening to my family sleep and the bugs trying to commit suicide on the outside of the tent while laying there worrying about if my aunt would even accept me for being bi, or what I would do if my mom found anything on here about it...What SHE would do. I have a hardcover journal that I've been writing a lot of my feelings in, but it doesn't help, and I worry that she'll find where I put it and read it...I put on the front page just a bunch of crap hoping she'll open it and not care and close it again, and then farther in I have a thing that says not to read any farther, cause it's personal. I can't trust anyone. So I layed there on the air matress and tried not to cry because I didn't want everyone freaking out about it, and layed there and worried. I fell asleep and woke up because of the storm, and then layed there and listened to that the rest of the morning. Great, right? Who says kids have it easy? If only I lived away from my parents, I'd never have to worry about it if they found out. They could opt not to talk to me, and if they did that then I wouldn't need them. If only I didn't need them NOW. \m/ |