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Don't Fucking Pity Me! It seems to me at this point that everyone around me is fucking giddy with...whatever. No one around me feels like I do right now. And I've been finding that my anger is starting to be a problem. I've been throwing things, at other things. (Duh, why would I throw something just into nowhere?) Anyways, I got pissed the second I walked in the house today (I decided not to drag my bass and my amp to my cousin's to babysit, but instead just come home for the night. And hey, I got a new pillow. Now there's something to be proud of.) Anyways, the reason I didn't take my bass is because 1) their dog is fucking psychotic and jumps on EVERYTHING, 2) they have a keyboard, 3) the kids are no longer in summer school, therefore would be all in my face to let them use it every second. Well, that and I'm probably selfish for not wanting to have to play the "Chicken Dance" for 15 hours straight. So anyways, back to the point, I walk in and I asked if my brother was using the computer, even though he was sitting at the table or counter or whatever. Well, he said no, so I sat down and went to log onto a messenger. Here's the good part. He says to me (who let's remember had barely a half hour on the computer LAST night, and had let him use it all fucking night because she was working on her truck and had no need for the computer) "Don't be on it too long though, I want to use it." WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?! I have been gone chasing after kids and a dog for 15 HOURS, and he's been home for at LEAST 3, and he tells me not to be on long?! So I got pissed, because yes, I obviously have a temper problem, or at least I'm told. (What most people don't realize is that it's not a temper problem that's just there, all these fuckers add to it, and no one appreciates me around here, unless my mother is on the phone in FRONT OF ME, or within earshot, and then it's that Ger's such a good kid, and such a big help.) So anyways, I closed the messenger, slammed the keyboard drawer in, grabbed my stuff, went to my room, and continued to throw (did I say throw? I meant to say LAUNCHED) a library book at my wall. Unfortunately, it hit my Shooters poster, although I haven't actually checked to see if it's okay. So I got a notebook and scribbled myself something that I was planning on typing here but don't have the energy to go get, while crying. Me. Again. Crying. I know, you've all heard it before. I always cry. I'm pathetic, aren't I? So the thing I wrote basically called myself a loser, and actually explored the fact that I must not have "REAL" friends, because I can't go to them when I have a problem. I sugar coat my life for them. It's not that my parents might as well have cut off my arms, it's that they punished me for my wrong-doings, even though I had the right to do them. So anyways, it said that and then the fact that I basically write all of my thoughts and feelings on here because I think that someone might actually care. Who am I kidding? Someone REALLY care about ME? That would make me happy. If someone did I mean. Then I would know that there would be someone that would have my back. But whatever. You know, my cousin said something today that made me want to cry right there. And keep in mind that he's only like 7. He told me that I'm really pretty and that someday he wants to stand up in my wedding. The problem is, I highly doubt that I'll ever have a wedding, because it seems that any guys that I have any sort of relationship with (and even if it's just saying hey in the hall or just hanging out, nothing romantic or anything) dies out. Obviously I'm not as pretty or entertaining as all the other girls. And maybe the only reason that I haven't gotten anyone interested in me when everyone else in the entire fucking WHATEVER does is because I might seem like a hard-ass, or that I'm obviously not "easy," but if people know...Jesus fucking christalmighty, if people knew. Does it make me more pathetic that I sat in the bed of my truck tonight and cried straight through for damn near an hour? Or that I'll still end up crying myself to sleep all over my brand fucking new pillow? Maybe the new journal isn't all that great a name. I am still totally fucking UNLOVED anyways. But this isn't a pity party. Honestly. Don't pity me, go on with your life. Everyone else is anyways. Go with the crowd for once right? ~Ger |